Mentor Research Institute

Healthy Contracts Legislation; Measurement & Value-Based Payment Contracting; Online Screening & Outcome Measurement Software, The Collapse of Dating and Marriage

503 227-2027

Men are Disillusioned with Dating Apps in the US and England

Introduction

Over the past decade, dating apps have become a dominant way to meet partners in both the United States and England. Yet a growing chorus of heterosexual men report feeling disheartened, discouraged, and “soul-destroyed” by their app experiences. Surveys and studies reveal a landscape where many men struggle to get matches or replies, endure ghosting (sudden silence), sense an unfair imbalance in favor of women, and ultimately feel emotionally burnt out. For example, a UK poll found 46% of current dating app users describe their experience as bad (just 29% call it good). In the U.S., 64% of men who used dating apps in the past year felt “insecure” about the lack of messages they received. Below, we synthesize the key causes behind this male dissatisfaction – from scant match rates and one-sided communication to emotional fatigue – supported by research findings, statistics, and personal narratives. We also examine broader generational trends and consequences of this disillusionment.

Sparse Matches and Imbalanced Dynamics

One major grievance is the sheer difficulty of getting matches. On many dating apps, men significantly outnumber women, creating intense competition. Globally, about 62% of dating app users are male, and on some platforms the gender skew is even greater – Tinder’s user base is roughly 3 men for every 1 woman. This imbalance means that women can afford to be highly selective, while average men may swipe endlessly with little success. Data on swiping behavior underscores the asymmetry: one analysis found women swipe right (i.e. “like”) on only ~5–8% of profiles, whereas men swipe right on 40–46% of profiles. In practical terms, the average male Tinder user gets only about 1 match per 130–140 swipes, whereas the average woman gets 1 match per 10 swipes. Men also tend to “like” a broad range of women but receive few return likes, while women filter for the most attractive or desirable men. A famous analysis of OkCupid data showed that women rate 80% of men as below-average in attractiveness, whereas men’s ratings of women follow a more typical bell curve. This means many ordinary guys find themselves deemed “not good enough” at first glance, often never making it past the swipe stage.

Figure 1 is a survey graph illustrating differences in how men and women feel about the number of messages they get on dating apps. Women are more likely to feel “overwhelmed” by too many incoming messages, whereas men are far more likely to feel “insecure” about receiving too few messages. The same study found that the vast majority of both men and women (around 87–90%) often felt disappointed by the people they saw on dating apps.

Figure 1.

The outcome of these dynamics is that many men get few (or zero) matches and responses, leading to feelings of inadequacy. In Pew Research surveys, over half of male users reported often feeling insecure about whether they were getting enough interest on apps. Men are much less likely than women to be “overwhelmed” with options – only 25% of men felt overwhelmed by too many messages, compared to 54% of women – but far more men (64%) felt anxiety over too few messages (only 40% of women felt similarly). This reflects a common scenario: an average woman’s inbox may overflow with matches, while her male counterpart’s sits empty. The disparity can breed a sense of unfairness. As one man observed, “The apps want women to engage. The apps want men to pay. The entire experience (women getting tons of matches, men getting just a few) is designed to make sure they have a sufficient quantity of women active… to encourage men” to keep chasing (and purchasing premium features).

Perceived algorithmic bias adds to this frustration. Some men suspect that dating apps’ algorithms further favor those who are already popular (or conventionally attractive), making it hard for newcomers or average-looking men to gain visibility. Indeed, dating apps are profit-driven and not actually incentivized to help every user find a match quickly, since success would mean losing customers. As a Guardian investigation noted, there is “mounting evidence” that apps are designed to be addictive and keep users swiping (and spending) rather than efficiently pairing them off. In other words, a man who struggles on the apps may feel the system is stacked against him – there are fewer women to go around, those women can afford high standards, and the app itself may not be showing his profile to others unless he pays for boosts. All of this sets the stage for disappointment.

Ghosting, Flaky Behavior, and Communication Frustrations

Even when a man does get a match, meaningful conversation or an eventual date is far from guaranteed. A top complaint among men is the frequency of “ghosting” – when matches abruptly stop responding with no explanation. In general, ghosting has become endemic in online dating: about 30% of U.S. adults say they’ve been ghosted by someone they were dating or talking to, and that figure jumps to 42% among young adults (18–29) and 62% among people actively using dating apps. (Notably, men and women report being ghosted at roughly equal rates, so it’s a universal problem; however, men who have relatively few matches may find ghosting especially demoralizing, since each lost connection feels like a rare chance slipping away.)

Men commonly describe scenarios where a match never initiates any dialogue, or where a promising chat fizzles out without warning. “The vast majority of matches have resulted in no dialogue,” said Kevin, a 38-year-old from Nottinghamshire who spent nearly three years on various apps. “With most of the rest there was a bit of to and fro before being ghosted. It’s quite soul-destroying.”

His experience – only one actual in-person meeting from countless swipes, and ultimately a dead-end – exemplifies the communication black hole many encounter. Another man vented that he would have a great conversation for a few days, but “when you went in to set up a day to go on a date, they completely ghosted you. I never understood that.”

The disappointment of investing emotionally in getting to know someone, only for them to vanish, can be profound.

Several factors contribute to this ghosting culture. Easy come, easy go: Because matches are often strangers with no mutual social connections, there’s less social accountability for disappearing. If something better or more exciting comes along, it’s effortless to drop a conversation online. Overabundance of choice can paradoxically make people less considerate – a person might swipe on dozens of others and forget or ignore previous matches. From the male perspective, it often feels like one-sided effort: men tend to send the first message and carry the conversation, and many report getting either no reply or only perfunctory answers. Scheduling a date can be another hurdle – some matches chat idly with no intention to meet, leaving serious daters frustrated. “Dating apps have basically become doom swiping apps. People are bored and curious but otherwise have no intention of actually going on a date,” one observer noted, summarizing many men’s gripe that matches seldom translate into real-life dates.

Beyond ghosting, men also experience other discouraging behaviors: breadcrumbing (keeping someone hanging with occasional messages but no commitment), last-minute cancellations, or finding out a “match” was a bot, scammer, or fake profile. For instance, some men grow cynical after matching with profiles that turn out to be solicitations for adult content or catfish schemes. Each disappointment chips away at morale. “It seems so silly, but I hate that apps make you pay for perks, and it’s not like it guarantees a date… If you don’t have a face someone likes, paying for extra perks isn’t really going to help,” said one 28-year-old man, expressing the helplessness of feeling that success is out of his control. In short, unreliable communication and flaky behavior on apps lead many heterosexual men to conclude that dating apps are a “bleak hellscape” of ignored messages and dead-end chats.

Emotional Fatigue and Dating App Burnout

All these struggles – low match rates, endless swiping, constant rejection or silence – take a significant emotional toll. Dating app burnout is now widely acknowledged in studies of modern dating. A 2024 survey of 1,000 American dating app users (Forbes Health/OnePoll) found 78% of respondents felt emotionally exhausted by online dating at least sometimes. Notably, men reported high levels of burnout almost as often as women (74% of men vs. 80% of women). Younger generations are particularly affected: 79% of Gen Z and Millennial users in that survey said they have experienced dating app burnout. The top reason cited was “the inability to find a good connection” on the apps – 40% agreed this was their biggest source of exhaustion. The next most common factor was feeling disappointed or rejected by someone met through the apps (for example, being ghosted after a date). Other draining aspects included the “endless swiping” treadmill, time spent crafting profiles or messages that lead nowhere, and the repetitive nature of conversations.

Users and experts often compare app dating to a dehumanizing grind. Natasha McKeever, a researcher at the University of Leeds’ Centre for Love, Sex, and Relationships, notes that many have come to see virtual dating “as a chore that needs doing, more than a social activity.” It “becomes tedious, and just feels like you’re doing admin, like you’re not connecting with anyone – you start seeing [profiles] like they’re all just cards in a deck.”

Swiping through dozens of faces can indeed feel like shuffling a pack of cards, a gamified process that induces decision fatigue and emotional numbness. Instead of excitement at potential romance, users feel they are mindlessly scanning an endless catalogue of strangers, which is hardly fun or fulfilling. One British journalist quipped that using the apps “feels like admin”, and this sentiment has echoed across countless forums and articles.

A common sight for many users is swiping on an endless stream of profiles. The “gamified” interface of dating apps (e.g. tapping a heart or swiping right) can encourage addictive use while simultaneously making interactions feel shallow or disposable. Over time, this dynamic contributes to dating app fatigue: users feel they are putting in lots of effort (swiping, messaging) for little reward, leading to exhaustion and cynicism.

The emotional rollercoaster of dating apps further feeds burnout. Many men describe a cycle of hope and letdown: they join an app feeling optimistic, then face long stretches of no matches or fruitless chats, punctuated occasionally by an exciting match or date prospect, only to have it fizzle out. This up-and-down pattern can be taxing. Pew Research found that among people who had used dating apps in the past year, the vast majority – around 88% of men and 90% of women – said they often or sometimes felt disappointed by the people they encountered on the apps. That is, almost everyone experiences frequent disillusionment. Over time, this can manifest as dating fatigue: a state of jadedness where logging into the app feels draining and one expects disappointment as the default. In fact, the phrase “dating app fatigue” has entered the lexicon precisely because so many are feeling it.

Not surprisingly, many men eventually withdraw or take breaks from the apps for their mental well-being. “I’ve given up. I’d been clinging for so long to stories of friends who met their significant others on an app and I just had to let it go,” admitted one woman disillusioned with swiping and numerous men have echoed similar feelings. There is evidence of a broader pullback: in the UK, about 1.4 million people left online dating in 2023–24, leading to a 16% decline in dating app usage. Tinder alone saw over 500,000 UK users abandon the platform in that period. While not all are men, dating experts suggest many users (especially those burnt out by poor experiences) are simply opting out. Dr. Rufus Spann, a therapist, notes that repeated ghosting and disappointment can seriously erode an individual’s well-being, sometimes leading to anxiety or depression. In online forums, you’ll find men recounting how “dating apps destroy confidence and self-esteem” to the point they needed to quit and focus on mental health. Burnout can manifest physically as well (stress, fatigue) or lead to cynicism where one expects the worst from any match.

Impact on Self-Esteem and Emotional Well-Being

For many heterosexual men, these dating app struggles aren’t just a minor annoyance – they cut to the core of self-confidence and emotional health. When you swipe through dozens of profiles daily and rarely get a match (or get rejected/ignored by those you do match with), it’s easy to internalize a painful question: “What’s wrong with me?” Over time, repeated rejection – or the void of no response at all – can seriously undermine one’s self-esteem. Men who might be perfectly average, likable people offline can begin to feel unattractive, inadequate, or unworthy if the app metrics (likes, matches, messages) are constantly telling them they don’t measure up.

Personal narratives from men illustrate these consequences. “Being on [dating apps] made me feel incredibly insignificant and unworthy as I rarely matched with people I was interested in… my confidence has lessened even more than before dating apps,” wrote one 35-year-old man candidly. He described how he kept trying to “evolve, change, and become more successful” thinking the problem was him, but after still failing to find lasting connection, he felt defeated. Another man confessed that after years on apps with almost no success, “God, if He exists, must hate me.”

This kind of despairing humor masks a real sense of hopelessness that can set in. Men sometimes feel “cursed” or fated to fail in online dating, especially if they perceive others around them finding partners with less effort.

Research validates that online dating can be a double-edged sword for mental health. On one hand, it offers opportunities to meet people; on the other, it exposes users to frequent social evaluation and potential rejection. A 2020 study noted that those with lower success on dating apps reported decreased self-esteem and increased feelings of exclusion over time. The design of apps can exacerbate this: profiles emphasize looks and quick judgments, so men who don’t get matches may assume it’s an indictment of their attractiveness or worth. Also, the lack of feedback in ghosting leaves the mind to run wild – one is rejected with no reason given, which can be more troubling than a polite “no thanks.”

Men have also reported feeling anxiety and pressure around the whole process. Crafting the perfect opener message, worrying about saying something wrong that might turn someone off, or comparing their profile to the seemingly endless competition can create a background stress every time they use the app. There’s even a term “Tinder PTSD” used informally to describe the dread some feel re-opening the apps after bad experiences. And as one man pointed out, societal norms often discourage men from openly talking about these feelings – “you also can’t talk about these feelings as a man because then you’re too emotional… So my confidence has lessened even more.”

This highlights a troubling cycle: men feel hurt by their dating struggles but also feel they must suffer in silence, which can worsen loneliness and resentment.

In some cases, prolonged dating app frustration has led men to develop negative attitudes toward dating or the opposite sex. It’s not uncommon to see bitterness or anger surface – e.g. the rise of online communities where young men call themselves “involuntarily celibate” (incels) or gripe about women’s high standards. While those are extreme reactions, they often stem from real feelings of frustration, rejection, and social isolation that festered over time. Most men, of course, do not go down a toxic path; many simply withdraw and feel stuck. They might focus on work or hobbies and try to convince themselves they’re fine being single, all the while quietly hurting from a lack of romantic connection. As psychologist Greg Matos noted, a “rising tide of unintentional single men” is a reality, and a deficit in relationship skills or opportunities can lead to longer periods of being alone for many men today. The emotional toll of that – in terms of loneliness and unmet desire for partnership – is significant.

Case Examples: Men’s Frustrations in Their Own Words

To put a human face on these trends, here are a few illustrative experiences shared by heterosexual men navigating dating apps:

  • Kevin, 38 (England): “I’ve tried Bumble, Match, Badoo, Facebook Dating… In nearly three years I’ve only met one person [for 6 dates]. The vast majority of matches resulted in no dialogue. With most of the rest there was a bit of back and forth before being ghosted. It’s quite soul-destroying.”

Kevin’s story highlights the grind of scant results: countless swipes and only one short-lived relationship to show for it, leaving him demoralized.

  • Anonymous, 35 (U.S.): “Self-confidence [took a hit]. Being on [the apps] made me feel incredibly insignificant and unworthy as I rarely matched with people I was interested in… Even if we met for one date, it never went to a second date. The common denominator is me, so I tried to evolve, change… but still nothing. You also can’t really talk about these feelings as a man because then you’re ‘too emotional’. My confidence has lessened even more than before dating apps.”

This man’s account shows how repeated rejection can lead to self-blame and withdrawal into silence, eroding one’s self-esteem.

  • Reddit user “Newatinvesting”: “I live near one major city and one mid-sized city, and I’ve gotten two matches in the past month. One let the match expire, one messaged me once, and when I tried to start a conversation, they ghosted and unmatched a few days later.”

This short testimony exemplifies the extremely low match yield some men experience – essentially two chances a month, both of which evaporated instantly. It’s easy to see how such sparse results could be disheartening.

  • Reddit user “quart-king”: “I’ve been more successful than most guys I know… 6 months, a few dozen matches with conversations, maybe ten or so dates. But I will say the quality of matches is mostly super low and just not what I’m looking for. Even though it’s much more difficult for men (because of the number of men out there), I do believe women have their own struggles. I think most men would prefer to have the issue of too many matches, though, as opposed to none.”

This perspective acknowledges that even a moderately successful man finds the process unfulfilling (the connections he makes aren’t compatible), and it contrasts the problems: women complain of too many subpar options, whereas men would gladly swap for that problem instead of having no options.

These narratives, while individual, reflect common themes echoed by thousands of men on forums and in surveys. They feel invisible or undesired in the dating app arena, confused by the lack of reciprocity, and drained by the effort. Many eventually reach a breaking point where the emotional cost outweighs the benefit, leading them to step back.

Generational Shifts, Trends, and Consequences

It’s important to view this male dating-app disillusionment in the broader context of modern dating trends. Over the last 10–15 years, there has been a massive shift toward online dating as a primary way to meet partners – especially for younger generations. In the past, meeting through friends, school, work, or social activities was the norm; approaching someone in public was more acceptable. Today, however, approaching strangers “in real life” has become less common and, in some cases, frowned upon, as singles default to the convenience of apps. This means that many heterosexual men (particularly under 40) feel they have no choice but to use dating apps to find a partner. For those who struggle on the apps, this shift removes alternative avenues of meeting people – magnifying their sense of isolation. In short, an unlucky-in-love man in 2025 can’t just rely on chance encounters at the pub or a friend’s party the way previous generations might have; if his dating app efforts fail, he may remain single by default.

Statistics bear out that young men are more likely to be single now than ever before, coinciding with the dating app era. A 2022 Pew Research survey found a striking gap: 63% of U.S. men under 30 reported being single, compared to only 34% of women under 30. That suggests a surplus of young men without partners. (Some of this disparity is because young women may date slightly older men, but it also implies many young men aren’t connecting with anyone at all.) Similarly, the proportion of young men with no sexual activity has risen sharply. Between 2000 and 2018, the rate of sexually inactive men aged 18–24 jumped from 19% to 31%, far outpacing the increase among young women (15% to 19%). Sociologists note a combination of factors – including economic struggles, living at home longer, and digital entertainment – but difficulties in the mating market play a big role. When a large segment of men feels shut out of the dating market (as some do after repeated app failures), it results in more men postponing or foregoing relationships. Indeed, some observers link the “crisis in modern dating” to broader social issues like declining marriage and fertility rates. In England, recent fertility declines have been attributed in part to people who want children but remain single due to an inability to find a partner in the current dating climate.

Another generational trend is the growing skepticism and backlash against dating apps. What began as tech optimism in the 2010s (“there’s an app for love!”) has given way to widespread critique. By mid-2020s, think pieces with titles like “Dating apps have left us lonelier and more frustrated than ever” are common, and nearly half of all daters say using apps has been a negative or draining experience. In one UK study, only 20% of Britons thought dating apps were a better way to meet someone than meeting via real-life interactions. Gen Z, despite being tech-native, show signs of seeking different ways to connect; some 88% of young people in one poll said they found the swipe apps “shallow” and were looking for more authentic or organic ways to meet others. In practice, this has led to a revival of interest in “old-school” dating approaches – from singles events and speed dating, to new apps that focus on deeper profiles or slow matchmaking, and even movements like the “Pear Ring” (a colored ring people wear in public to signal they are single and open to conversation). The fact that many are willing to try these alternatives speaks to how disillusioning the swipe experience has been for a lot of men (and women).

For the men who haven’t given up on apps, some are recalibrating their approach. There’s more talk about treating online dating as “just one tool” rather than pinning all hopes on it. A man in one discussion said he now uses dating apps only as a supplement to his social life – “I do far better in real life. I use OLD as a supplement, and the matches I get are ‘quality.’… while it does take more time for me (and most men) to get matches, it’s about the quality, not the number.”. This more balanced mindset can help mitigate burnout, but it requires having other ways to meet people (which not everyone does). Other men are focusing on self-improvement in response to app challenges – hitting the gym, improving style, or honing their conversational skills – in hopes of standing out. Psychologists like Matos encourage men to “level up” their communication and emotional skills, noting that today’s women are increasingly selective and looking for men who are emotionally intelligent and respectful. While this is good advice broadly, it can be cold comfort to someone who feels he isn’t even getting a chance to showcase those qualities due to the superficial swipe criteria.

In terms of emotional and relational consequences, the disappointment men feel can have ripple effects. Many men report periods of extreme loneliness, anxiety, or depression tied to their dating struggles. The feeling of “no one wants me” can be devastating, especially when amplified by seeing peers find love or by social media’s highlight reels of happy couples. Long-term, if large numbers of men remain single against their wishes, we could see impacts on societal happiness and cohesion. Some experts worry about an “epidemic of loneliness” among young men, which can contribute to problems like substance abuse or even radicalization in certain communities. On a more personal level, the disillusionment can change what men look for – some might settle for partners they’re not truly compatible with out of fear of staying alone, while others might choose to stay single and pursue life goals without a relationship, even if deep down they yearn for one.

Finally, it’s worth noting that the dissatisfaction is not one-sided. Women have their own set of complaints about dating apps (receiving crude messages, harassment, an abundance of unserious or creepy suitors, etc.), and many women are also fed up. In fact, some data suggests women overall report more negative experiences than men on apps in certain respects. However, the nature of men’s dissatisfaction tends to be distinct: it’s often about lack of any connection (being ignored, feeling invisible), whereas women’s is often about too much of the wrong kind of attention (being flooded with low-effort or disrespectful messages). These two dynamics feed into each other: a small subset of men behave badly, causing women to be jaded or ultra-selective, which in turn causes many other men to receive little attention and grow resentful or discouraged. This cycle suggests that the entire ecosystem of dating apps has some toxic feedback loops. As one commentator put it, “modern dating is broken”, an acknowledgment that the way we’re connecting (or failing to connect) via apps is leaving a lot of people unhappy, especially heterosexual men who feel left behind by the current system.

Conclusion

In summary, heterosexual men in the U.S. and England are voicing deep disappointment with dating apps due to a convergence of factors: meager match rates in a crowded, looks-driven marketplace; one-sided interactions where their messages go unanswered and conversations vanish; the emotional strain of ghosting and rejection in an environment that can feel impersonal and transactional; and the cumulative burnout from months or years of effort with little reward. Quantitative data shows many men have poor outcomes on these platforms (with far fewer matches than women) and qualitative reports reveal feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and reduced self-worth. Thematically, it’s a story of imbalance – in numbers, in effort, and in expectations – that leaves many men feeling the dating app game is rigged or simply not worth the trouble. This widespread frustration is driving behavioral shifts: some men are quitting apps and seeking alternatives, while others persist but grow increasingly numb or pessimistic. On a societal level, the trend raises concerns about young men’s social well-being and the difficulty of forming relationships in the digital age.

Yet, not all hope is lost. Understanding these issues has led to calls for change – whether it’s dating apps adapting (e.g. apps that enforce more balanced interactions or cater to deeper connections) or individuals adjusting their approach to dating (embracing offline opportunities, improving communication skills, or maintaining realistic expectations to safeguard mental health). What’s clear is that the current status quo is leaving a large segment of men feeling discouraged. By acknowledging the causes – lack of matches, ghosting culture, perceived unfairness, and emotional fatigue – we can better empathize with their experience and work toward a dating culture (online and off) that is more rewarding, humane, and fair for everyone.

 

Sources:

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